The Best of: How To Make Oatmeal That Tastes Like Barf

This is a “Best of Post” I came across on my blog from September 2013 and it’s pretty funny.  Not all those recipes you see on social media are what they appear.  This is an entry into my Recipe Hall of Lame for worst tasting oatmeal.  Enjoy reading it, not eating it.

Miss Bee made the tennis team so we have been getting up early to have her to morning practice by 6 a.m.  Mr. Bee and I have a routine that he takes her on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays so I can sleep in just a bit before having to get up for work and I take her the other days when I’m off.  Thinking I am an awesome wife and mother, and with fall, my favorite time of the year around the corner, I thought I would make them the yummiest of an oatmeal breakfast.

I saw this fab recipe on FB for overnight crockpot cinnamon apple oatmeal.  So far, sounds good.  I dumped in the milk, water, oats, brown sugar, cinnamon, pinch of salt, and two sliced apples.  Turned the pot on to low and by 5:30 a.m. they would have a hot, wholesome breakfast.

I got up around the 6:30.  The house smelled of fall.  I ran downstairs, birds swirling ribbons in my hair, and lifted the lid.  Funny.  There sure is a whole lot of oatmeal left in the pot.  Hmmm.  Well, oatmeal does expand.  That’s probably why it looks so full.  I put a ladle full in my bowl, topped it off with almond milk and sat down with my coffee.

Eck. Double Eck.  What the heck?  It was a lifeless bowl of barf.  Actually barf probably tastes better.  I doctored it up with more brown sugar (it already had 1/2 cup in it), and a tad of butter.  A little better.  I ate it.  Mainly to dissect the problem.  Note:  In the defense of the recipe, it is supposed to be a skinny version.

First, it needed more sweetness.   I am not sure brown sugar is enough.  Maybe some molasses or honey.  Second, I should have pealed the apples.  I put them in with skin on thinking that would be healthier.  But, the skins kind of broke down into a strange, slimy, creature.  I used a Granny Smith and Golden Delicious.  Maybe other cooking apples would be better.  Cranberries would be a good touch.  And, maybe a few tablespoons of butter.  Why don’t I just actually change the entire recipe?

When Mr. Bee got home, he was doing something in the kitchen with his back to me.  I suspected almost 100% that he and Miss Bee took a bite and  then went to Whataburger.  So I asked him what he thought of the oatmeal?  Slight hesitation.  “It was okay,” he replied.  There sure was a lot left I said.  He replied, “it was very filling.”  I asked him if he and Miss Bee went to Whataburger.  Without him turning around, I KNEW it.  I could just tell by the way the back of his head looked.  They had.  Ah, Ha!  We laughed about how gross the pot of ick was.  I did the same inquisition with Miss Bee that night at dinner.  I netted the same answers.  At least they got their stories straight.  What really happened was they both sat down, took a bite.  Miss Bee said this is gross.  Mr. Bee replied, “let’s go.”

And we’ve never had overnight oatmeal since.  Then End.

One thought on “The Best of: How To Make Oatmeal That Tastes Like Barf”

  1. It needed more salt.

    I don’t know who decided that oatmeal should cook overnight in a crock pot. That never seemed like a good idea to me. Oatmeal doesn’t take that long to cook, like say….a roast. Crock pots were made for cooking thick cuts of meat that take a long time to cook. Oatmeal takes NO time!

    This was my thinking and why I have never tried the crock pot oatmeal recipes. That and I’m the only one in my house who eats oatmeal.

    On that note, I recently stayed in the Hilton next to the George R Brown Convention Center in Houston. Our stay included the 24 Executive Lounge. They had the best oatmeal I’ve ever eaten. It was the perfect consistency and there were plenty of add-ins – brown sugar, sugared pecans, raisins, cranberries and more. It was a great way to start a day at the Quilt Festival.

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